Waiting

I had all these words I wanted to share. Words of gratitude. Words of companionship and solidarity, of women warriors waiting/fighting/waiting in the barren trenches together.

And then I had stories in my head, stories of how I'm so numb, I feel like someone else is experiencing my life. Some other girl is giving herself shots, driving to the Dr., waiting for life changing phone calls.

I plan out my reactions,

I'll be so happy, I'll have to give up goat cheese, I'll cry.
I'll be so sad. I'll give up Facebook. I'll cry.

But right now, I can't say anything. I waited too long and right now I'm terrified. I wrote some brave words awhile back,

I vow to accept that fear and uncertainty is a part of my life, but I won’t let it rule my life.

I accept that I will have hard days, days where I don’t get much done, days when I’m sad. 2012 is a year of change for me and I’m looking at it with eyes clear to the challenges it holds. I will have set-backs. I vow to let this shape me, but not define me.
The Road We Travel

Who was this girl? Currently, not me. I live my life in minutes. I die a thousand deaths every time I head to the bathroom. I sob in relief as I wait for the next four hours. I shake so hard I can hardly move.

I made ice cream for a sweet someone who is traveling this same excruciating path. I thought the act of being productive, of cooking, of making, of serving, would help. I was so proud of myself. Who was I kidding? I immediately ate it all. My dear husband ended up going to two stores, staying up until midnight, remaking it all for me.

I put movies on for Lucy, while I wander listlessly. I tell myself to get out of the house, to take a shower, to bake some bread. I go through the motions of living a life.

No, I'm not brave at all. I'm simply terrified.