Friday, March 9, 2012


I had all these words I wanted to share. Words of gratitude. Words of companionship and solidarity, of women warriors waiting/fighting/waiting in the barren trenches together.

And then I had stories in my head, stories of how I'm so numb, I feel like someone else is experiencing my life. Some other girl is giving herself shots, driving to the Dr., waiting for life changing phone calls.

I plan out my reactions,

I'll be so happy, I'll have to give up goat cheese, I'll cry.
I'll be so sad. I'll give up Facebook. I'll cry.

But right now, I can't say anything. I waited too long and right now I'm terrified. I wrote some brave words awhile back,

I vow to accept that fear and uncertainty is a part of my life, but I won’t let it rule my life.

I accept that I will have hard days, days where I don’t get much done, days when I’m sad. 2012 is a year of change for me and I’m looking at it with eyes clear to the challenges it holds. I will have set-backs. I vow to let this shape me, but not define me.
The Road We Travel

Who was this girl? Currently, not me. I live my life in minutes. I die a thousand deaths every time I head to the bathroom. I sob in relief as I wait for the next four hours. I shake so hard I can hardly move.

I made ice cream for a sweet someone who is traveling this same excruciating path. I thought the act of being productive, of cooking, of making, of serving, would help. I was so proud of myself. Who was I kidding? I immediately ate it all. My dear husband ended up going to two stores, staying up until midnight, remaking it all for me.

I put movies on for Lucy, while I wander listlessly. I tell myself to get out of the house, to take a shower, to bake some bread. I go through the motions of living a life.

No, I'm not brave at all. I'm simply terrified.


moosh in indy. said...



I should like to just hug you and sit with you now. Nothing more. Just sit there. (preferably in the sunshine)

The Blakes said...

Beautiful words!

Jenn and Casey said...

Thinking of you <3

SUnshine said...

Your blog is a fresh look at a story all to familiar. Thank you for your beauty.